Laura’s Journey. . .

“Count your blessings. Once you realize how valuable you are and how much you have going for you, the smiles will return, the sun will break out, the music will play, and you will finally be able to move forward the life that God intended for you with grace, strength, courage, and confidence.” ~ Og Mandino

Here we are in a world full of light, and a day that is celebrated by many.  How can you not help celebrate a time of the year that seems to represent life?  Just to sit and feel the sun upon your face, with your eyes closed, is one of the best feelings in the world; it makes everything seem alllllllright.  I love summer, yes I do, for I am a fair-weather friend

This time of the year is my favoritest, I am usually so incredibly happy.  I love to play frisbee, fish, camp, or walk and take pictures of all the greens, flowers, sunsets, and sunrises.  Yes, this time of the year brings me great peace.

However, with cancer it sometimes makes it hard to do anything that I love to do, all I can do some days is sit and enjoy the sun, and remember…  Remember the peace, the joy… and feel it in my heart, and for now, that is A-OK.

There are still days when I have my moments, and can throw a tantrum with the best of them ;) and just because I count my blessings today, doesn’t mean I won’t have days where I will complain about cancer.  To not complain when dancing with cancer is to drive yourself to the funny farm if you know what I mean

I am grateful that I am here today, I am grateful that it is summer and that I have no complaints today.  I am grateful that there is life after chemotherapy, and I am looking forward to the day when I am done with Herceptin and have my reconstruction surgery, yup, yup, I am looking forward to being balanced in more ways than one

Cancer has also taught me to balance living with heaven and hell,  happiness and anger, and sorrow and grief, but today I do not feel sad so I have nothing to say about sorrow in this post that is my tribute to summer as a woman who dances with cancer…

I was like regular folk today and what a great day it was!  Our sister organization had their annual BBQ today and I am the cook - 3rd year in a row.  I grilled up over 120 pounds of hamburger, 20 pounds of hotdogs and easily about 40 pounds of salmon!

Woo-Woo!  It was so great to be alive and having fun!!

Not many people at this BBQ know about my dance with cancer, and it was great to flip, fry, burn and GRIN from ear to ear!!  And not think once about you know what!  Woo-Woo! Woo-Woo!

I wasn’t even sure I was going to be able to cook again this year because I’ve been so dang tired and weak, but I told myself the *ell with it!  I’m going for it and no one better get in my way! LOL

I was also touched by one of my coworkers who does know what I am going through and she was so concerned when I tried to lift a bag of charcoal, I was touched, and kept on grinnin!  If my coworkers only knew how it was taking everything I had to do this, and how grateful I was to the powers that be, and how proud I was of me, that I was even able to do this!!  If they only knew what a big deal this was for me…

IT WAS SO FRIGGIN’ GREAT!  JUST TO DO SOMETHING LIKE I USE TO!! WOO-WOO!

And now I is pooped… and ache…. but what a way to go!

I am positive I have made progress, right?  More like I’m positive I’m one tired puppy!

I looked back at a post that I made January 15th (Its Alive) so that I can compare how I was then to now, and ding dong, 6 months later I am still struggling with napping!

I came home from work just tired, and fell asleep in my chair; I guess I can say at least I’m consistent?! LOL

To help me not feel so bad about napping AGAIN, when I woke up tonight I did the dishes and vacuumed (at 9 pm thank you very much).  This helped my mental health and made me not feel so bad about being a tater tot.

6 months ago the napping was caused by chemo, now the napping is caused by healing (and the AFTERMATH of treatments) and it just seems wrong.  I guess the problem I have with napping now as opposed to 6 months ago, I had a ”tangible” “visible” reason that everyone saw (including myself), to be so tired: chemotherapy.  I know, I know. I’m still in cancer treatments, and shouldn’t be hard on myself, but this whole business of being tired is crazy…

Well at least I get up HAHAHAHA I know, sick… but I can’t help myself

I have come to the realization this morning (dang reality!) that I have been in the land of wishes.  Now at first I was beating myself up about it until I remembered that wishing was a good feeling when you were a kid

 ”Star light, star bright, the first star I see tonight, I wish I may, I wish I might…” ‘member?

Wishes helped you believe in magic, helped you believe in tomorrow, and it didn’t matter if my wishes were goofy or not, they helped me smile

Cancer has a way of making you not smile, cancer has a way of making you overanalyze everything, and if you naturally do this in the first place (as I do), it can hurt your head constantly thinking and thinking and rethinking all of your ailments, and your what ifs…

Cancer has a way of making you angry with making wishes…  and it is enough to drive you nuts!!  But I will not let it win today!!  No I won’t!

What do I wish for today?  I wish to just be.  No worries, no woes…  How will I do this today?  I will play with my beads, yes I will.  I will watch a movie, have popcorn, and laugh that I have too much butter on my popcorn, yes I will!  Yum-yum!

Now if my head will just cooperate and turn off for awhile…  Holy Moly!  What an exhausting ride this is I say!

I have so much to say and my brain makes me forget the words…  There is so much I want to say about the cancer.

Cancer, The Big C, the C stands for chronic disease, and when one has chronic disease you have to learn to manage it, right?  Yes you do, yes you do. You have to realize it is here today and will be here tomorrow…

I am not negative about it, I just wish there was recess from the Big C, it is weary trying to deal with it day after day, it’d be nice to escape for a bit and put it behind you, it’d be nice to wake up and realize you didn’t have no doctor on the brain, no cancer and no worries…

*Sigh* I’m kind of melancholic, I am ready for a change, a change of pace; I just want to do something different, and I just don’t know what that will be.  In the old days  I may have gone out and had one too many stiff ones to forget my woes, and woke up the next day going oh well, que se ra, que se ouch, but that doesn’t appeal to me, not after spending all winter numbed out already.

What can I say?  Cancer changes you and right now I am in the shadow of my former self as I try to figure out how to manage this new me who lives with cancer…

Hmmm, what is a Laura to do, what ever is a Laura to do

This has been a stressful day it is hard some days to have stressful days at work while trying to deal with cancer and all of its baggage…  sometimes this baggage makes it hard to deal with any more stress…  Some days, I wish I had nothing to worry about…

Well my friends, sometimes I am a little slow to accept what I don’t have control over and yesterday I finally came to peace that my return to health is going to take some time.

I’m going to make wise use of the time that I can be high energy and the moment I feel my body saying, “helllo out therrrreee, I’ve had enough” I am going to listen.  I’m going to accept that I cannot run like a mad woman as I use to, and that is A-OK.

I am just going to have to learn to do things differently and accept this new “normal” way of living for now.  This doesn’t mean I give up, heck no!!  I accept that this is just the way it goes right now, and I’ll keep putting one foot in front of the other; some days it’ll be the two-step and others it just may be the slow shuffle but I will continue to ever go forward. 

I have to realize and accept that I am still in cancer treatments and that recovery does not happen overnight…  Sometimes I just need to be smacked upside the head with reality

Dang what a yo-yo ride… recovery is definitely an exercise in adapting, persevering and overcoming. 

There is nothing peaceful about fighting to regain your health!  It is a struggle to get a peace of mind and reconnect your body, breast, mind, and emotions together!

The cancer treatments take a toll on you and changes your life and you need to make peace with these forced changes, and it is such a battle!

The emotions, the fatigue, the *ell you have to deal with within your body, getting to reknow yourself, and adapt to your “new” look, it almost is overwhelming.

This pisser my friends is after treatments, you do not bounce back right away, and you have to adjust to this slow but necessary healing process…

I am now on the journey to learning to be gentle with my recovery… and I’ll tell you what, it ain’t easy… 

I finished my 8th Herceptin today and only 6 to go!  Ding dong what a haul my friends!

All these cancer treatments have made time fly by too fast - this could be good because the faster it goes the sooner I shall be done :D  But what’s not good as far as I’m concerned, is the time is flying too fast!

I was 47 when diagnosed and by time I’m done with Herceptin, it’ll be about 2-3 weeks before my 49th birthday; it seems like cancer takes your time and turbo charges it!  Dang!  The other thing I noticed, it sure ages a gal…  Notice the Cruella Deville thing I got going on with with my hair?

Today I actually woke up feeling like I’m coming back to the land of the living, it is about friggin’ time!!  Jiminy I felt like I was about 100 years old for the last week a half, now today I woke up and only felt about 60

Herceptin isn’t so bad, but I noticed again by this afternoon my muscles were tender vittles… sure makes me waddle more than usual HAHAHAHAHAHA

Holy Moly, cancer is an exercise in aging… and none too gracefully!

More like take 100 L Vent!  Vent!

I am at work but boy oh boy, am I fragile!  I am still so tired physically, which is affecting me emotionally and mentally…  I am moody and thinking a lot, but my thinking isn’t focused, I’m just all over the place, ding dong 

It seems like now that I am done with the “rough” part (chemo & radiation); I am falling to pieces.  I hate feeling this weak, if I get any lower, you will have to scrap me off the floor….  Jiminy…

As I ever go forward, one slow step in front of the other…

Dear Customer Service,

I am interested in buying your round foam shell, but I do not understand your size chart, it does not match the drop-down sizes you have listed.  I am normally a 42c, so what size do I order from your drop-down menu?  Thank you.

Ding dong!  Whoever thought I’d ever have to write such a goofy email?  Not I said I!  I’m so lopsided from having two lumpectomies and it is driving me to distraction!  It is so hard to wear a bra while being so lopsided; my bra keeps sliding up around my ear LOL

It is an irritant to constantly pull my bra down throughout the day and it rubs under my arm since it is sliding so much.  It is all I can do not to rip the dang thing off while I’m out running around!  Now wouldn’t that make a pretty picture?  A short-haired crazy looking woman ripping her bra off in the middle of the grocery store!  Can we talk shades of burning our bra days? HAHAHAHAHA

Seriously though, it is irritating me to no end and it is so dang uncomfortable.  I asked my surgeon today if I could please be evened out like NOW… she is referring me to the plastic surgeons but she let me know that they usually like to wait until you’re completely done with chemotherapy and I’m not done with Herceptin until the end of November…. WHAAAAAAAAA

Hence, here goes the letter to tlc catalog trying to get my size… BLAH, BLAH, BLAH

I had some rubbery prothesis from ACS which just creeped me out after awhile, and the other day I threw them somewhere in disgust, now I can’t find them, jiminy crickets!  Who knows where they bounced off to!

Cancer is an exercise in patience with the absurb, weird and wacky!

Have you ever been on a walk, it is a beautiful day, the air smells great, and you hear the wind talking through the trees?  Then you come to a dark patch that seems like it is never going to end, then you turn the corner and you can see the light?

*Sigh* that is what it feels like after you are done with chemo and radiation treatments, you finally feel like you’re coming around the bend, but it looks like you still have a little more ways to go before coming back out into the sun…

I truly wanted to believe I’d bounce back once I stopped radiation…  You know, I just thought what the hey?  I’m done, and I’m ready to get on with my life now.

I just cannot believe how tired I am still; the fatigue is just something you have no control over and it is maddening.  At first I was like ok, it’ll be nice to take a break and take life easy, and it has been nice don’t get me wrong, but I’m ready to get a little pep in my step now.

Cancer is an exercise in chronic disease management, it just goes on and on and on.  I can see the light my friends, and I wish I was in it…  I know, I know, soon…